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HEY MADONNA: MAYBE TRY A MASTER CLEANSE BEFORE YOU RETURN TO BUILD YOUR GIRLS SCHOOLS

A stinky job, but someones got to put their foot down: President Bingu wa Mutharika wants to outlaw "passing wind."
At first I thought the headlines were a hoax. “Law that put the wind up for you… Malawi bans flatulence,” blared the Daily Express. “Better in than out: African country set to make breaking wind a crime,” was the headline of the Daily Mail.
Oh, how the English like their toilet jokes, almost as much as their hoaxes. I also read the various comments, like “Then I guess setting one on fire would be a capital crime?” and “I think I’m in for life!” Finally, I set out to, um, get to the bottom of it.
Yes, the man behind this clamp down, so to speak, is Malawi President Bingu wa Mutharika. It’s called Local Courts Bill 2010 and he’s introduced it to his Parliament.
What I’m most curious about is not if one can pass such a … law, but how does one enforce it? Can you make a citizen’s arrest? If your great Auntie Martha starts whistling Dixie and rolls down the window in the car, can you drive her right to the local precinct?
If you find yourself around so-called “foul odors” in a locker room, do you just round up the usual suspects?
Is passing wind in one’s home, if you’re not in the bathroom, grounds for divorce? After all, who’d want to be married to a serial offender?
Will there be jail time or just fines, rehab or community service?
Will certain foods require black box warning labels, that excessive use might result in commission of a crime?
Is this a good time to buy stock in Malawi Beano, or is it a better time to import or manufacture it yourself?
If the law is passed, will there be medical exemptions? After all, excessive flatulence may be a symptom of a serious health problem such as:
- Appendicitis
- Gallstones
- Stomach ulcers
- Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
Can you get a reduced sentence if you prove you’ve given your best efforts to prevent odors caused by passing gas? (See “Shreddies” underwear advertisement.)
You see, what is not talked about but widely accepted in American medicine: everyone passes wind, about ten to 14 times a day, depending on the research expert you consult.
One of the most famous of the flatulence docs is Michael D. Levitt, a gastroenterologist and associate chief of staff at the Minneapolis Veterans Affairs Medical Center. He’s authored or co-authored over 275 articles on the subject in medical journals. If you call him “Dr. Fart,” he’s not likely to be offended.
As the foremost authority, he says things like, “Farts have been good to me. I’ve done very well, thank you.” Not only is he a successful researcher, he claims he’s a hit at cocktail parties.
Anyway, he’s on the conservative side: his research shows, on average, the normal number of “flatulatic occurrences” a day is 10, with lots more that don’t leave the body so, technically, he doesn’t count them.
Over 22? See a doctor, he says. The most ever logged for a single patient? He’s had two men who averaged upward of 140 a day. Diagnosis: lactose intolerance. “These two were the biggest farters of my career,” he told a reporter. “One of them complained that his sex life had been ruined by his chronic farting,” Levitt added.
Isn’t that punishment enough, Mr. Malawi President?
I say Dr. Levitt teleconference with Dr. Bingu wa Mutharika and his Malawi Parliament and show them nature must take its course. They need to know the anatomy flatulence: that “an average male fart is made up of about 110 milliliters of gas (almost half a cup), with 80 milliliters for a woman’s (a third of a cup). That adds up to a lot of gas — 38 ounces during a single day for men, 27 ounces for women. Although some women claim they never fart, Levitt says that’s not true. They just fart less because they are smaller.”
No, this isn’t an early April Fool’s Day. Read the rest of this entry »
IF YOU PICKED JANUARY 29TH, YOU WON THE OFFICE POOL (when Piers would have to go live and relevant)
WAS THE KARDASHIAN IMPLOSION THE TURNING POINT?
Piers Morgan finally bagged his pre-taped interview, this one with Colin Firth, to go live for the first time Friday night in order to cover the dramatic street protests across Egypt. Given the dramatic video rolling behind him, his show was compelling; the interviews were better than his taped chats with celebrities. Perhaps we’ll see more, which is good news.
CNN didn’t exactly take a high risk, given Friday nights are historically the lowest rated of the week for their 9:00 time slot. Firth, the English actor who is nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of the stammering George IV in “The King’s Speech,” isn’t exactly a household name yet. But I suspect it was more the shock of Thursday night’s ratings than the fear of the Firth on Friday propelling the decision.
Kardashians Krash and Burn, but is the Publicity Photo Worse for the Anchor than the Ratings?
For the first time since the launch, Piers Morgan Tonight actually lost audience from its anemic lead-in, Parker-Spitzer. The interview with the attractive Kim and Khloe Kardashian only attracted 164,000 adult viewers 25-54, 12% less than the lead-in.
But really, what’s up with the photo that makes one want to say, “Ewwww.” It’s not sexy, it’s creepy/lech-y.
ARE THEY REALLY JUST NATIONAL SPASMS?
Two stories are dominating the morning papers and evening newscasts in London and breakfast and dinner tables across the UK.
First, there’s a new investigation of an old “shocker,” as they call it here — the phone hacking of a reported 91 voice mail accounts, belonging to celebs, politicians and royalty by the News of the World tabloid.
Then there’s the “sacking” of the two tv sportscasters over off-camera sexist remarks they made about a young female soccer referee.
The scandals are intertwined: Legendary footballer Alan Gray was fired from his job at Sky Sports channel after he was first overheard saying that Sian Massey, 25-year-old female assistant referee didn’t know the basic offside rules.
Soon after, an anonymous source leaked some video clips of him on You Tube, including one where he dangled his microphone down his pants and suggested a female co-presenter should help him “tuck it in.” Gray was fired and his on-air partner Richard Keys, a former morning show anchor, resigned yesterday after a day of bizarre apologies for his behavior and remarks which included referring to a female as “it” instead of “she.”
In a radio apology, he said “Our prehistoric behavior is not acceptable in a modern world. We get it.” He also blamed his bosses and made references to “dark forces” at Sky, who he said never let him make public his apology to the assistant ref.
Here’s where the two stories intersect: Alan Gray, the first booted from Sky, is suing the News of the World for over a million dollars because his voice mail account was one of the 91 hacked back in 2006.
Crazy. Media baron Rupert Murdoch who owns a owns the majority of Sky, also owns News of the World. Just this week, he’s been trying to buy the rest of the channel, something that will need government approval. I imagine launching a lawsuit within the family, especially when the head of the family is Murdoch, doesn’t make Gray the brightest bulb in the box.
This week, there’s been a new round of “sacking” over the phone-hacking scandal. The original investigation of the events from nearly five years ago, resulted in a conviction and jail sentence for Clive Goodman, the NOTW royal editor, along with his private detective. For all these years Goodman was said to be a “rogue reporter,” acting alone.
Not so fast. The assistant news editor, the number three editorial boss, has now been sacked for an discovery in December that he allegedly hadn’t told the truth about his role in the phone hacking. Andy Coulson, who was the top editor of NOTW at the time, suddenly resigned this week from his new job, press secretary to British Prime Minister David Cameron.
Scotland Yard is now back on the case, having been widely criticized for bungling it the first round. Murdoch is reportedly very unhappy this hasn’t just gone away. And the rest are left to grapple with the degree of impact these two stories will have on our English neighbors who, despite the aggressive, often-conniving culture of Fleet Street, were always thought to be more civilized than we.
A favorite discussion this week in London centers on the point that the bosses who expressed shock and disdain for Gray and Keys work for the same company that puts photos of topless girls on Page Three. And it all sounds very familiar to those of us who have watched firings and suspensions here in America of similarly neanderthal sportscasters and newscasters.
Sadly, from my experience in America, I predict this will not be a watershed moment in England. The playing field for women in the workplace will not be leveled and there will not be an end to a free press without reporters who cross the lines.
Culturally, little changes from scandal to scandal. Neither Anita Hill or Hannah Storm or any of the women in between have sparked a revolution. It is still a slow-moving evolution, one that is often hampered by sexist women in the workplace as much as the men.
They are the ones who have a variety of issues with their women bosses, or maybe they just have issues. They are the ones who perfer bosses who act more like a father than a mentor. They haven’t figured out the boss who gives you a hug, is the boss who acts inappropriate.
They don’t really understand that the boss who calls his subordinates nicknames is not an enlightened man, especially when it is a nickname like “Duchovny,” after David Duchovny, the actor who has been in sex rehab and now stars in “Californication.”
They are the women who want to be not just the first female in the corner office, but the only one.
It is why I suggest the stories in London are not really national scandals, but rather just spasms. By definition, a scandal is an action or incident that, when revealed to the public, may have a negative impact on the people involved. A scandal is more likely to be a teachable moment.
On the other hand, a spasm is rarely a an event from which one learns. It is a sudden and often brief spell of activity, more of a involuntary convulsive movement that happens when you’re not really thinking about it. Usually, after some degree of pain and discomfort, it goes away until the next spasm, and the one after that.
It is only after many, many spasms that people become fed up enough to try to figure out the source of the problem. Spasms just aren’t life-threatenting, so in our busy lives, it’s easy to ignore them for the longest time. But oh, what a great improvement in our quality of life when they are gone.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE “BIG SECRET” OPRAH WILL REVEAL MONDAY? SEE BELOW FOR DETAILS
She’s said this family secret “shook her to the core.”
7) The Piers Morgan interview wasn’t really one of the toughest interviews in 20 years. It was the toughest in the last 20 minutes.
6) She’s fixing Fergie’s show for OWN by updating the old the Patty Duke Show and adding Snooki.
5) Oprah”s not retiring at the end of this year. She’s signed on to co-anchor with Anderson Cooper.
whoops, she said it was a family secret…
4) Kitty Kelly was right; Vernon Winfrey isn’t Oprah’s father; he was Elvis’ dad.
3) Gayle King is her mother and her sister
2) Oprah is the egg donor for Elton’s baby. Meet Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John-Winfrey?
and the #1 family secret?
1) Oprah’s baby boy didn’t really die in the hospital and, according to the date of birth that fits the time frame, it’s either Tyler Perry, P.Diddy, Bobby Brown or Chaz Bono…. or (drumroll….) the shadowy guy we got a glimpse of in the promo!
ADD ON TO THE LIST OF SECRETS YOU THINK OPRAH COULD REVEAL MONDAY
**** SIBLING UPDATE:
It’s now Gayle, Oprah and Patricia, the half-sister who was separated at birth. Now the ultimate study/test of nature, nurture. Poor Pat was raised in foster homes, but at least as far as we know, wasn’t molested by men around the house, as was Oprah. Now she belongs to someone… and it’s not Kitty Kelly or the tabloids, and she can thank her new big sister for that!
“STOMPS” HIS WAY INTO FLATIRONERS HEARTS
TODAY SHOW APPEARANCE HELPS PUSH NEW ALBUM TO #3 ON AMAZON, SECOND ALBUM AT #6
He is 29 years old and fills stadiums around the world, playing a fusion of classical music and pop on a million-dollar+ Stradavarius, straddling the worlds of Aerosmith and Vivaldi. He performed his first concert at age four and studied at Julliard with the great Itzhak Perlman. His name is David Garrett and if he looks a bit familiar, you might have seen his face on billboards for Banana Republic, on down the runway for Armani.
This morning you may have watching him on the Today Show, but you may have also seen him on The Early Show, Good Morning America, Fox New Year’s Eve Special and Oprah.
EATALY: AS INNOVATIVE IN FOOD, AS GARRETT IS IN MUSIC
Full dislosure: our family looks after him in America. But there’s no need to hype David Garrett. He’s the real deal as you’ll see in his casual stroll through Eataly, New York City’s renowned artisanal food market and eatery created by Mario Batali and Joe and Lidia Bastianich and located 200 Fifth Avenue (at 23rd).
This performance, featuring The Street Beats Group, brought a special “only in New York” treat to dozens of unsuspecting lunchtime patrons at Eataly.
DEFINING A GENERATION WITH LOFTIER GOALS, INTERNATIONAL STYLE, THEN THE COMMERCE OF CONSPIRACY AND GRIEF